


You're Gone & I Gotta Stay High

by cameronmonaghan



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Drinking, Drug-Induced Sex, Drugs, F/M, Gen, Hallucinations, M/M, Sad, Triggers, ian is missing, mickey on drugs, mickey's way of coping, sex with stranger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-02-28 04:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2718494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cameronmonaghan/pseuds/cameronmonaghan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey's on drugs because he's trying to handle Ian being gone. This fic is written from a fucked-up Mickey's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Gone & I Gotta Stay High

**Author's Note:**

> Smoking makes me decide I'm the best author ever. I now know this is a piece of garbage, but I promised myself when wrote this that I'd upload it no matter what it said.
> 
> It will be very confusing, because it's from Mickey's point of view, and he's so fucked up he can't even remember his own name.
> 
> I am not affiliated with Shameless (US) or Warner Brothers studios.

I don't know what to do. You're gone. I'm trying to keep you off my mind, but I'm remembering now. Ian Gallagher. Fuck.

Suddenly I'm in that damn club. Where the fuck are you? I don't even want to be here.

I'm drunk. When did I start drinking? I wasn't drunk when I got here, was I?

Suddenly I'm at home. I'm confused on how I got here from the club. How did I get here? I'm acknowledging my state of mind. Fuck, Ian, I miss you. Fuck. I keep going deeper into the darkness to escape you, but you keep popping back into my thoughts.

Where am I?

Should I go to Ian's?

I'm gonna go smoke a blunt.

I'm watching my fingers carefully roll a blunt. I wonder how I got into my room. I can't remember. Oh well.

I'm at the bar. I wonder how, but at this point I feel like I'll never understand anything ever again. My eyes scan the room and land on a fat chick.

She will have to do.

"Wanna fuck?" I'm surprised now. I just asked her that, but I don't remember getting across the room. Now I'm in front of the fat chick and I'm so hard but she's hideous. I need Ian.

I'm ready to slip back into the haze to try and ignore the fact that I'm both gay and pathetic. 

Suddenly I realize my cock inside of something warm. I open my eyes and look up. The fat chick is balanced against the sink and I'm slamming into her. I feel nauseous now. This is fucking gross, but I can't stop. Which bar am I at? I've never seen this bathroom before.

"Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"

Why is the fat chick making noise? I'm done. I'm pulling out now. I might throw up.

Dad?! Next thing I know is that my dad is here. I look around. I'm not in the bar anymore. My body is alert, and when I turn my head, my vision is blurry but I can see Ian. Ian? Wasn't I looking for him?

"The fuck have you been?" I'm asking Ian now.

"What? Now's not the time." He sounds scared. Who the fuck is scaring my baby? Me? What did I miss?

"Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!" My father is on top of me. He's beating me. I'm so confused. I know I should fight back. I push him off and stand, dusting myself off. My vision blurs.

Svetlana clears her throat. My eyes pop open.

"I'm gay." The words coming from her mouth makes me tilt my head. What's going on? She keeps talking. "I'm gay. I'm gay. Yim gay. Yirm gay. Yir gay. You're gay. YOU'RE GAY. YOU'RE GAY."

I scream, and all is silent and completely white.

"Where's Ian?" The blurry white screen is all I see. It's transforming now into a scene. It's Fiona Gallagher. Fuck, she looks terrified. I bet she hasn't slept. My adrenalin is so high. I'm so high. I can't remember how I even got here.

"We filed a missing person's report. Report, report, report..." Fiona's voice is repeating itself.

When I talk, her voice stops. I shake my head. "You fuckin' said you wouldn't file a missing person report!" My voice is bouncing off walls that I don't see, and I feel so dizzy. Am I shouting? I feel so loud.

But it sounds like I'm underwater.

"I didn't file one?" Fiona looks confused. I'm focusing on her again. I must have been lost. "I said I trust Ian, remember? Are you all right?"

My heart hurts. I remember Ian. This is his fucking sister.

Next thing I know Fiona is shoving me. I tried to kiss her? Why?

I remember. She's close to Ian. She's the closest I can get to Ian. Wait, did she ask if I was alright?

My train of thought is gone. Don't know where it went. She knows I'm on drugs. "I'm great." Oh shit, I sound high. I'm talking in slow motion. I have to try to save myself.

"Sorry." Really? That's all I could come up with? I sound awkward. She knows, but I'm too high. I feel satisfaction. Maybe she doesn't know I'm high. Where did Fiona go?

Everything is unclear. I'm blacking out. I can see and hear now but I can't control what I'm trying to say, and I can't move my body. I'm sobbing to Fiona. I'm on the floor of the Gallagher kitchen. I should get up but I don't remember how. Why am I crying? 

"I can't," I hear myself say. What can't I do again? Something about Ian. Oh, shit. He's on my mind again. Why is it bad to think about Ian again? Little firecrotch. My baby, my lover. I love Ian. I love him so fucking much. I'm grinning now. This is the first time I remember feeling so happy. But I can't remember why I'm happy.

Then it all comes crashing down. I wasn't at the Gallagher's anymore. Was I to begin with? It's unclear, I don't fucking know. Don't know what I don't know but I don't know it. I'm laughing now. My laugh is annoying.

Memories are so distant. I'm snorting coke now. I'm so alone. I can taste the bitter cocaine on the back of my tongue. How addicting. I need more. I'm carefully making another line and now I'm snorting it. Aah. Fuck you, Ian Gallagher.

I'm thirsty. Water would be nice.

I think I'm sober. God, already? Wait I can't feel anything. GOD I'm high.

"Come back, Ian." I hear my voice but I can't remember having ever planned on saying that. My surroundings are nonexistent. I don't know where I am or why I'm here.

I'm on the couch in my dad's living room, eating spaghetti. The plate is Styrofoam and the spaghetti is cold. It's the best thing I've ever tasted, but it doesn't really taste like anything. I bet everything tastes exactly the same but the government is tricking us.

How many days have I been so out of it? Maybe it's only been one.

I try using my finger to please myself but it's not working. I'm stopping now.

You're gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind.

I trip and fall, landing on the floor. When did I get up? Maybe I was going to bed. Bed sounds nice. I look up and Mandy is standing over me.

"I'm worried about you, Mick. Everyone's ignoring the fact that you're all fucked up on drugs. I haven't seen you sober in almost three weeks."

I'm petrified. I can't move.

"Is it Ian?".

All of my millions of thoughts are flying into sight and blending into one. I finally, briefly, understand. I'm nodding now. Nodding feels weird. It is weird. "Yes." It was Ian. I can't deny it. My make-believe is shattered.

"Mick, you already forgot again?" Again? What does she mean? "Ian's back. Two weeks now."

That was the most terrifying thing I'd ever heard. Ian's back and I'm missing it. He's been back for two weeks. I know I must have spent some time with him. Two weeks and I can't remember a single second of it. Apparently I need constant reminder that Ian's here. He is here? One thing is clear - I'm addicted to drugs. I don't want to be. How many times have I had these exact thoughts in the past weeks?

I drag my feet. I don't remember standing. It's taking so long to get to my bedroom. Why is it so far away? I'm stumbling a little.

I'm falling. My body is bouncing against the bed because I'm landing. All right. I can tell I'm lying horizontally. It's uncomfortable. I could move but it will take great effort.

All is black. I'm asleep and my mind is quiet.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the craziest thing I've ever written. I need to stop trying to write fics when I'm not sober. Hope you enjoyed anyways!


End file.
